Juggling the Madness

It was an hour after one of the most legendary music shows in recent Japanese history had finished at Liquid Room in Ebisu, and I was sitting in a small Okinawan haunt by my hotel in Shibuya with my manager Tani. We both were sitting there trying to absorb the night. The likes of EYE, Cornelius, and Shugo Tokumaru had taken the stage that night, but I had only witnessed a fragment of it because of the madness I was juggling.

 

The truth is that I have been juggling madness for the better part of a year to see this happen, and now that it was over, I had no idea what to take from it. Tani is a legend in the Japanese music business. Ever since the Blue Hearts took him from being a young aspiring filmmaker to being their manager 30 years ago he has seen everything and put out all kinds of fires. I could tell by his demeanor that this was unlike anything he had ever seen.

 

It has been 11 years since I met Bruce Bickford, and my life has changed dramatically since than. I have helped with numerous events back home, a couple times in Europe and now three major art shows and epic concerts in Japan, but its difficult for me to put into any kind of perspective. As much as an undertaking like this takes a ton of planning, logistics and creative solutions, in the end my biggest concern is the man himself. I can't count how many times along the way I had to stop and simply say, "Bruce...are you ok?".

The answer to that is always a complicated one. A few months ago, right when we were on the brink of finalizing the details, it seemed like Bruce may not be able to make the two trips to Japan and only do the February event. This would mean that he would not appear himself at the Takamatsu Media Arts Festival in the Kagawa Prefecture. This would also mean gravely disappointing our friend Ukawa Naohiro, the famed video artist, leader of Dommune and director of the festival. That was something none of us wanted to do.

The first person I turned to at the time was Tani and he explained to me what could potentially be at risk. I sat for a moment and thought. It was mere hours before Masako and I were going to be flying back to SF and we were in a Denny's in Ikegami. I was sitting across from one of the loves of my life, my niece Amaruchan who was scribbling on her placemat with crayons. It was hard to gauge what was deeper, my admiration of her or my envy of the simplicity of her concerns.

I excused myself and went outside to call Bruce. I explained to him what we were facing. He agreed to try both trips, but was clear that he could offer no guarantees. That was something that I did not need to be told. If there is anything I have learned over my experience with Bruce, it is that there is no such thing as a guarantee, and if this was going to work, I would have to be more creative than ever.

"I like it when I get into trouble, it makes me feel alive," said Tani, as we were now the last people in the restaurant. I was a few days away, from fully completing the mission and the biggest question was, what happens next? Bruce received more adulation and fanfare here than I had ever expected, but his future traveling is uncertain at best. We both have made lives out of dealing with difficult people and situations, but Tani is more spirited than I am at this point.

 

For me, this has never been a business venture, it has been a mission to conquer one of my worst fears. The first time I saw the archive of Bruce's work in the garage in Seattac, I had no idea what to make of it. Meticulous, genius, difficult, and overwhelming were all adjectives I would use, but I was also heartbroken. I knew Bruce's work from being a huge fan of Frank Zappa, and although he had a brush with notoriety decades ago, it was hard to grasp that something like this could happen. It was a difficult time and place for me and I had no idea where my life was going to go, but I knew one thing. I had to help.

With Bruce, I have had some minor victories and some major defeats, and the work we have done in Japan is definitely my crowning achievement, yet, I can't help but feel conflicted.  I made some serious mistakes. I spent more time in Japan than at home in the last five months and a lot of time away from the person who matters most, my wife Masako. I wondered several times if I had made a mistake by agreeing to this job. It was a huge risk from the beginning, but I felt like it was more of a risk to not do it and wonder what could have happened.

The Takamatsu Media Arts festival was one of the most difficult events I have ever taken part in. The weather, stress and long days caused my immune system to collapse at one point. I was truly moved by my guys Tani and Nobu missing the opening night celebrations to take care of me. If nothing else, the show itself was beautiful and a once in a lifetime event.

 

Japan is my second home. It is a place that I deeply love and my family there are incredibly special to me. I was able to see them a good number of times over the course of this final trip and each time left me longing for something that I can't quite place. My mother in law is a beautiful and creative person and she made a home made goodie bag for Bruce that wasn't quite ready at his opening at Yamamoto Gendai Gallery in Shirogane.

 

 

The day we were leaving was also Bruce's birthday and he would be the same age as her. Because of this, she felt a special connection to him. I told her I would come to the house the next day in Ikegami where she was babysitting Amaruchan.

 

The public transit route that I always take several times on my visits, I only took once this time. It is a 20 minute train ride and 10 minute walk to the house. I spent about a half hour there with Momma and Amaruchan, who is deep in the difficult age of 2 and only acknowledges me at her convenience. If she's not feeling it, I can't get her attention to save my life. It's ok, I am taking a detailed log in which I will be calling her out for it later in life.

 

We went and saw my brother in law Hide (pronounced He-day) at his garage a few blocks away. He was getting a car ready to sell and we spent a few minutes saying our goodbyes. Whenever I leave, goodbyes take a while. I was almost gone at the end of the block, when I turned around to wave. Amaruchan ran all the way down the street towards me but stopped about five feet from me. I knelt down and opened up my arms for a hug, but she turned and ran back. Its ok......I'll remember that.

I finally managed to turn the corner and I was lucky to be wearing dark glasses. The waterworks turned on in full force as I walked towards the street I have come to know so well, Ikegami Dori. It is strange to see an American in these parts, but a crying American? It happened for a million reasons, none of which I could properly explain but I had one more important stop to make.

I walked up to the office of Subaru Construction and the front gate was closed but my father in law's car was there. I went around the side and found the door open. We talked for a few moments and I hugged him goodbye. This is a man that I owe much too.

Many years ago, when Masako told him that she was going to marry an American, he was not happy. In fact, he was very not happy. I can't blame him. The fact that he was able to overcome his desire for her to marry somebody from Japan and be close to him and not only accept me but embrace me is something that is nowhere near lost on me. I have no idea how and why I was able to end up with her, but I can't imagine it not have happening. She has constantly amazed me and I sometimes wonder why she wanted to stay here with a genuine conflicted weirdo. In his own unique way, Tani was able to shed some light on this by cutting in on my lamenting as the hour grew late in Shibuya.

Tani...a wise old owl

"Aaron, your my friend so I am going to be really honest with you. Forget all the things that you know and do, maybe your actual gift is that people love you and they need you".

Bruce was struggling hard on our last day. He spent the entire day in bed trying to battle major congestion and a pounding skull. Me and the guys had planned some pretty elaborate and inappropriate things for his birthday, but they were now going to be out the window and getting him home seemed to be like it was going to be the biggest challenge of all. At Haneda airport, we walked towards the security gate and I was depleted physically and mentally as I spoke with Tani.

"I was thinking about what you said, about how you feel alive when are in trouble....isn't that what we did here?" I paused, "I've been in trouble since we started this thing".

Tani was a lot more lighthearted and said with a smile, "You can create something, be somebody's manager, or somebody's friend, but the important thing is that you did it and nobody died".

To which I simply say, "......yet......"